CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK (Metal Gear, Metal Mech, Metal Storm)

One of these days, I need to properly read about alchemy. I've thrown the word around a lot, but it never hurts to learn more. For now, let us delve into the Metal Age. Metal is ingrained into the very fiber of the grey box. That and plastic, and the microchip. A great metal shield sits over the cartridge housing, an impenetrable shell from which no RF frequencies can escape their fate. Metal screws keep the two halves together, a beautiful box held tight. How many pieces of metal does the Metal Gear have? God, what a machine that is. The date may be some nebulous future, but it is the future of 1987. A grim future where the Dance Apocalyptic is ever played, and Hideo Kojima is a nonexistant phantom who waltzes along, painting a picture of the Disciples Of The Destructor. Metal Gear, then, is his child. A ghost from Japan that we cannot see in the year 1988, when it comes to NES. All we see is a super computer, its silicon conductors pumping tactical espionage information to the enemies of the West. These things must be fought. We are not expected to survive, but when have we ever let that stop us? The Metal Gear will haunt us, unseen until long after the NES has fallen. It will live on, as most ghosts do, until inhabiting a new machine. For now, accept that what we got here was flawed. This is not the scripture of God, but a muddled mistranslation. And lo doth he say, the truck have started to move.

Flawed? Lord almighty, is Metal Mech flawed. This is one of my personal disappointments in video gaming. I paid a dollar for it at a flea market, long after the death of the NES. I also remembered reading about it in a Nintendo tip book. An interesting game about an armored mechanical vehicle, with the ability for its pilot to hop out and explore the world on foot. I didn't know it at the time, but that's... Blaster Master. This is a failed attempt at turning lead into the gold that Sunsoft created, and all we are left with is a putrid pile of lead. This game is not very good. Things come at you from all angles, and you have very limited fire power. Tiny bullets. When you need to exit your mech, the little man is weak as sin and gets hit by rats in the sewers. Rats he cannot shoot. Oh, joy! The Nightmare from my past rears its head again, now biomechanical and ready to strike. He has been summoned by the botched alchemical processes that Jaleco and company have been foolish enough to fiddle with. How do you crush a beast? With gravity.

Metal Storm is a gem! It's also difficult. Really difficult. Before that though, you become a master of gravity. You can alter the very way it moves with a button press. Ceiling becomes floor, and enemies fall up with you. What exactly powers this, I cannot guess. More alchemy? A localized gravity well powered by advanced microchips and quantum mechanics? Pure imagination? Who the hell knows. What I do know is that this one's mighty fun, and well worth a play. Then, when you think you have become a Gravity Lord, it challenges you sweetly. Try a game for experts! Do not be fooled. This will skin your sanity alive. I named it the hardest game ever, and I still stand by that somewhat. The hard mode is ludicrous and demands absolute perfection and planning. There can be no hesitation, no delay. You are no master of gravity until you become one with the robot you control. A true 1:1 ratio of synchronization is required. Welcome to Metal Storm. Welcome to the Machine. Meanwhile, the Mechanical Life Vein pulses and plots. It dares to subvert Peko The Destructor, and create a new force of Death. It dares to become a Death Lord, and to stop it, Peko shall send her newest Disciple Of Destruction. The Huntress will descend...

...but first, ponies.