To Defy The Darkness (Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu, James Bond Jr., Jaws)

Well, that was fun. We're back here again now. Back to the realm of the Nintendo, the J galaxy and whatever lurking gems and terrors might be hiding in the recesses of the secret history. Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu. The name, as well as the names of our other two explorations, can strike fear into the hearts of some. The fear of a new foe, the apprentice of the dread beast GREED. Darth License, Sith Lord of the Cash-In. We already saw how professional golfer Jack Nicklaus fell to the dark side. Jackie Chan, on the other hand... he is beyond such reproach for now. He is not a famed actor in North America as of 1990. As the game begins, we see him meditating under a waterfall. At first I was going to liken this to my own meditative state, writing a book in the space of 40 days. Now I believe that this is more than that. In my novel, my protagonist had his own meditative state. I hastily dubbed it "Valya" for the sake of sounding otherworldly. Let us borrow that term for the Nintendo Project. If the Cash-In represents the depravity and pointlessness of the 8-bit era, its Black Guardian who revels in Chaos... then there must be a White Guardian. The Valya, the force that keeps several of these forgotten relics alive in our minds. The Yang, the Light Side of the Force, the White... it's had many names. That's what Jackie Chan is doing at the start of the game. Invoking the power of Valya to keep the dark at bay. He leaves his waterfall, he bows to his mentor... and the game begins. Jackie Chan's prayers have succeeded, somewhat. This game is enjoyable! One that I would play to completion, probably. The time is about right for it. Cold winter afternoons with not much else to do are ripe for completing old video games. Jackie, however, is just an apprentice. Some of the dark slipped through. There isn't much post-damage invulnerability. It is a minor complaint, but I'll live with it. Why? Because I punched a tiger in the face, that's why. A power fantasy if there ever was one. Well done, Jackie Chan. Fight on with the power of Valya.

James Bond, on the other hand... this fellow has always been known to toe the line. In the end, he is a secret agent of the Valya, but he is not afraid to delve into some of the forbidden delights that the Yin can offer. Martinis, girls, and guns. As of 1992, he was in a bit of a dark place. The same dark place as Doctor Who, when you think on it. A couple of bad decisions in the mid-80's, followed by a renewed effort in the late 80's, followed by nothing much of note until 1995 or so. James Bond himself still played by the rules. Darth License had little power over him... but his nephew was still young. Easily corrupted. Thus we come to James Bond Junior, secret agent of the dark, carrying out a mission for Darth License. The mission? Maximize all the negatives of realism, and destroy any positives. Junior here has a gun with 99 bullets. The Ikari Warriors problem all over again... except when you get under 20, the gun magically recharges to hold 20 bullets. This baffles until you realize that the enemies take over 20 bullets to kill. You're looking at the first enemy of the game there. A man twice your size who takes 40 handgun bullets to kill. You take much less damage than that to kill, trust me. Bounce around on toxic waste that damages you. Fuck realism! Fight bouncing moai heads! Fuck realism! Oh, you're going near that rocket blast? That will hurt you because realism! This all culminates in a puzzle to deactivate said rocket. Some sliding tile game. The hell with it. Junior is lost to the Black Guardian. Let him be MIA.

And now we come to Jaws. This is not a case of a good and friendly creature of the sea being corrupted. This is Peter Benchley's killer great white. This is Spielberg's force of sheer terror. Jaws is a creature of pure Chaos, and it is up to Law and the Valya to put a stop to him. Well. If I had patience. If you need proof that Jaws is on the side of chaos, look no further than the publisher. LJN Limited. I have a reason to dread them, and it has nothing to do with Jaws or Crash Dummies. Maybe I'll write about that for this blog sometime. Maybe not. Jaws, the video game, is actually not the worst thing I've ever played. Just dull. Repetitive. The entire concept is to get into battles with sea creatures, and earn shells. You then sell the shells to "power up". Presumably, when you are powered up enough, you battle Jaws and take him down and prevail over Chaos. Will Chaos go down that easily? Of course not, it's Chaos. Anything can happen. A manta ray can nudge you and kill you. You lose power by dying. Failure to elements of chance will set you back. You can see here that I at least engaged in a battle with the harbinger of the Black Guardian. He bested me... for now. I can always go back. I can always defeat Jaws.

I'm the Hard Game Beater. I am an agent of Law. Of the Valya. They won't beat me down so easily.