31 Days, 31 Screams: Day 27 (Creepshow)

The Scream Team wants you to know they
really love old comic books.

Well, it's one big party, so it's appropriate that my first hazy encounter with this one would be at a party in 1995. My best friend at the time was into horror. I was still petrified by it. My sister was part of that whole Columbia House Stephen King movie of the month club that would eventually bring a monster clown into our house, but right now all it brought in was a VHS tape of this movie. It was close to that friend's birthday, and I lent him the tape to watch at his party. I didn't watch, though. No, antisocial old me was in the next room, playing Game Boy. Super Mario Land 2, if I remember rightly. There are two vivid memories I have of seeing scenes from this movie at that party; one that I misinterpreted for years, and one that stuck with me as a horrific moment. A third came later when a cousin watched the tape on VHS and I happened to see, but less horrific than that second one. The point is, everyone and everything's here for this party, including three special folks who have been mentioned on here in passing. Stephen King, master of horror, arbiter of my phobias and nightmares and eventual writing idol. George A. Romero, patient zero of the zombie apocalypse that ran rampant throughout film and created new and powerful strains. Tom Savini, Man Who Makes The Red Water Come Out Behind The Scenes. Together this dream team created a celebration about 35 years ago. This is Creepshow, and it still remains one of my favorite horror movies. Try telling that to the kid scared shitless in the other room playing the space levels in Mario 2.

Creepshow, at its heart, is a tribute piece. It is an attempt by a bunch of folks to pay homage to an antiquated piece of horror nostalgia; the EC horror comics of the 1950s. Gruesome and gross Tales From The Crypt-esque shit in which assholes become the subjects of supernatural revenge and get theirs in absolutely horrific ways. Which, Creepshow absolutely does to an extent. Four of the five stories do have assholes who have done some sort of wrong, implicit or explicit, getting completely fucked up by a monster or zombie or something. That last one is the exception, but we'll get to that. At least there's a reasoning this time; these are either bad people, or people who have committed some evil against someone else. More often than not this is the case. Creepshow has that going for it, but what it also has is style. This is a comic book movie, and I mean that in an almost literal sense. You get comic book framing at certain points, comic bubbles that set location, comic book transitions, the works. Whenever something scary happens the lighting changes to unnatural hues of red and blue or sometimes green, and it gives everything this visual flare. The only other movie I can think of off the top of my head that tops this as a "comic book movie" style-wise is Shaun Of The Dead. Hey look, Edgar Wright and pals were invited to the party! Here at the party, we get five stories. I'll try and talk about them
very briefly because I'm already on the second paragraph here. Let us begin.

Father's Day: Rich assholes (and Ed Harris) get fucked up by the reanimated zombie body of their rich great-aunt's dead father who she murdered with an ashtray because he was being a rich asshole. The dead guy rising from the grave and demanding his Father's Day cake is the "third" thing I saw with that cousin that stuck with me. This one's a great start to the movie, and I love its use of time and its ridiculous ending. Also Ed Harris gets his head squashed by a tombstone. Wow.

The Lonesome Death Of Jordy Verrill: Is this... horror comedy? I don't know. Stephen King himself plays the title role as some farmer who finds a meteor and touches it and starts turning into a plant. Infamous for the immortal line spoken when Jordy pours out the meteor's goop, "METEORSHIT!". This one starts out goofy with all sorts of imagination scenes but then gets spookier as shit keeps growing, and ends on the fucking dark turn of Jordy blowing his plant head off with a shotgun. He didn't do anything wrong, so he's not an asshole. Just a farmer or some shit.

Something To Tide You Over: Recognizable people everywhere in this one. Leslie Nielsen is the villain! It's not played goofy, either! He's a serious credible threat! This was AFTER Airplane, even. Anyway, Ted Danson is also in it, and the girl from Dawn Of The Dead. It's fucked up because Leslie Nielsen reacts to finding out that his wife is cheating on him with Ted Danson with a scheme. He buries them up to their heads in sand on the beach, past the high tide line, and films them as the tide comes in and starts drowning them. I walked in on this at the party and for years I thought Ted Danson was a head in a sidewalk for some reason. Must have just caught a glimpse. This is a good kind of horror because just thinking about being put in that situation is horrific. Oh yeah, and since supernatural revenge is a thing, they come back as seaweed zombies to do the same thing to Leslie Nielsen. He even shoots them in the head and it doesn't stop them! Your zombie rules have no effect against SUPERNATURAL REVENGE!

The Crate: The longest of the five stories, this one is full of plenty of the Red Water. Wait, in fact, it's some of the only Red Water in the whole movie! Alright, so this crate gets found at this university and inside is a monster that eats people. He eats the janitor and a grad student before the professor runs off screaming and gibbering about it to his professor pal, who then uses the thing to kill his wife. His wife is... well, she's an asshole through and through but she didn't do anything wrong. Still, holy fuck are the gore effects in this one hardcore. The lighting trickery I mentioned helps too. They must have loved this one because it's the longest, and it shows. It's a great story and a great way to end the movie.

Well, Creepshow sure was-- What? Oh, we're not done? Oh right. Well, we should have been done but they decided to go for one last tale and it's one I prefer to skip because it's just... okay, you'll see.

They're Creeping Up On You: GOD DAMN IT! I had to rewatch it to be thorough for the blog, but this one fucks me up still. There's a rich asshole in a penthouse suite who's a businessman of some import and a business deal makes another businessman shoot himself in the head. Because of this he is now MARKED FOR SUPERNATURAL DEATH. Zombies? No. Crate monsters? No no. Cockroaches. Thousands of them. I have a friend who hates cockroaches and knowing this was in the movie has made him avoid it. He is right to do so. JOE IF YOU'RE READING THIS, VERY CALMLY CLOSE THE TAB RIGHT NOW. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. AND IF ANY OF YOU DON'T LIKE COCKROACHES THIS IS YOUR WARNING TOO! RUN! FOR GOD'S SAKES, RUN! LAST CHANCE!


Okay, now that we've warded them off... the climax. This is what I walked in on at that party and it haunts me to this day. Our rich asshole eventually keels over in a cockroach-infested bedroom. His dead body starts to twitch, blood oozing from his head. The goddamned fucking cockroaches start coming out of his mouth and then bursting out of his skin! JESUS CHRIST! Horrified me. Horrifies me still, but it's not as bad now 20-odd years later.

That is Creepshow. Barring those ugly gross 15 minutes, I love it. It's a love that I had to acquire upon rediscovering the movie when I was old enough to handle it, but its style is so unique that I can't help it. Any movie that does something different and interesting like this is enough to grab my attention. I'd suggest it, but you can probably just call it after The Crate is over. You don't need that cockroach shit in your life. For all I've ragged on Romero over Dawn Of The Dead... he directed a winner here! Good job! Good job to Tom Savini's effects too! Hell, good job to King for all those books and saying METEORSHIT convincingly! This is a great horror party... but there's someone missing. Didn't Wes Craven get an invite? Oh. Oh, that's right. He's been out with the final power we need to confront the Slashers with. What's more, we're invited.

For the next three days, we tango with the Mistress That Is "Meta".