31 Days, 31 Screams: Day 24 (Ernest Scared Stupid)

Man, Vern, this thing was scary.

I had completely forgotten this existed, mind. It was nowhere near my initial listmaking and nobody requested it. I just so happened to see a topic about this series of movies a few days ago, and that made me remember this movie and just how fucked up it was. I even posted in the topic about how frightened I was of this movie as a young one, and several folks actually agreed with me. This isn't like the It paranoia where just the cover was enough to send me into a fit. No, I actually had this movie taped from TV by my family and I saw it a few times. Yeah, to a seven year old Ernest P. Worrell is pretty goddamned funny, but there was also a great evil lurking within this film. A troll. A troll who specifically stalks children, turning them into little wooden effigies in order to fuel his own power and bring to life his troll children. Sweet Jesus. I was a kid watching this. I was within range of the troll's specific targeting, and the thought of a fucking monster turning me into a little wooden effigy was absolutely horrific to me. It's one of those things that sticks with you from childhood. You've heard about some of those already. It and Fred Krueger are among them. There's also Jason Voorhees (briefly) and the opening scene of Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone stabs a guy in the chest. There are a few more from one other specific movie, but we'll save those for later. For now, Ernest Scared Stupid.

Even the opening credits are striking, with Jim Varney making faces intercut with clips from old black and white horror films. It's setting a mood that even my impressionable little mind figured out back then; this is a scary movie because of all the monster clips, but it's also a funny one because Ernest is making funny faces. The mixing of comedy and horror is nothing new, but to me it was! I'm starting to think my gravitation towards comedy horror might have roots here, much like the roots of the ancient tree the troll is buried under. Said troll, when one really thinks about it, is quite similar to It when you think about it. An ancient monster-thing that wakes up after a long sleep and wants nothing more than to get all the kids in town, and the kids are the ones who have to band against it. It's basic and there are lots of differences, but they're playing with the same vibes. Then there's Ernest, who is very silly and managed to entertain me even as an adult. Also this movie has Eartha Kitt in it, but I didn't know her from any other old lady because I'd only seen scattered glimpses of Adam West Batman and The Emperor's New Groove was almost a decade away. At one point Ernest is describing how serious and scary this situation with the troll is to her, and he says it's like "eighth-level Mario Brothers." Not quite, I'm afraid; even at 7 I'd rather deal with the big scary jumps in 8-1 than deal with a monster troll. Even now some of these scenes are pretty damn scary! The bit where the little girl nervously looks under her bed only to find her teddy bear, and then comes back up to the troll on the bed WITH her is fucked up and spooky today. You could pull that move in an actual horror movie, let alone some sort of family comedy where a comic actor does a bunch of impressions and accents in costumes a few times! Not to mention the bits where the troll fucks with the lead kid by using his friend's voice to taunt him. What a great trick.

Then there are just the absurd things. Like how the shopkeeper guys have over 1000 dollars worth of anti-troll equipment for Ernest. At first I thought they were just trying to swindle an idiot from his money, but they honest to god have branded anti-troll gear! What the fuck? Then there's Ernest's idiocy in finding the troll's weakness; I'm sorry, but "authenic Bulgarian miak" is something that's stuck with me all these years. Even when the troll army is awakened, you'd expect shit to get real. It doesn't. It turns into a bunch of slapstick that would make Bruce Campbell blush! It's comedy and horror mixed very well, but even the troll remains when they're blasted by their real weakness, milk, are gory and goopy. Then the movie gets scary again once the head troll calls on the evil powers of the tree to make him a super troll who's immune to milk. Shit seems hopeless, but the head troll's still weak to unconditional love. So... Ernest waltzs with the troll and kisses his snotty lil nose and that kills him, hooray! This is... well, it's a nostalgic movie for me. I grew out of the fear and now I can acknowledge it as a weird little movie that's pretty fucked up for a 7 year-old to watch on VHS. I don't even think I saw any other Ernest movies as a kid! This was my only one! I am glad I remembered it, though. It was good to go back to this old childhood fear and... well, not conquer it. That happened naturally on growing up. This was more of a re-experiencing. We've only got one week until Halloween! The party is ramping up. That dread beast of Slashing's got to be confronted soon, but we can chill out with the other monsters first.