Choose Your Own Adventure (Mega Man)

Hello! Boy, it's been... almost two months since we've been here, huh? I apologize. I've been wanting to get back to this for a while, but I think I needed some time off from writing in general. I still need to properly plug away at the old book, but I feel confident that I can do it. In the meantime... here's the kickoff to our big Mega Man fiesta on the Nintendo Project Resumed! If all goes as planned, this will be the only post actually written by yours truly. It is also one of the most mental things I've ever done. You'll see once your eyes dart down below. Please enjoy this esoteric nonsense about one of my favorite games in the Mega Man series. Is it unpolished and raw? Absolutely. I don't care. It has a charm. It has a charm and I adore it unabashedly, but this is hardly a review blog, now is it? Enjoy.


The Ballad Of The Blue Bomber
By FreezingInferno

So once again, we play our game of chance,
A wall of words built under Valya's dance.
The planet which now occupies our gaze?
Its gravity continues to amaze.

Now let your mind flow backwards to the past,
To years long gone; how does time flow so fast?
Our words, a time machine that always strives
To illustrate new things when we arrive.

The winter chill of '87, brave
A time now twenty-six years in the grave
Brought roaring from the white shores of Japan
A game that Capcom thus dubbed "Mega Man".

That's right, Japan, that nonexistant place
A foreign land thus blessed by Valya's grace.
The Nightmare's insecurities kept bay,
His kingdom here? The land of "kusoge".

Examine, then, the cover of the game,
And witness Capcom's steps to great acclaim
A happy bot, clad in blue and cyan
His shiny logo naming him Rockman.

Of course, this is from that great shadow land,
The place of nonexistance named Japan
Upon our shores, the box? A different beast
A sense assaulter unlike the Far East.

This box art that you now must gaze upon,
with some old fucker ripped straight out of Tron.
He's decked in blue and yellow, with a gun,
And past the neon palm trees he shall run.

Who is this blathering neon-clad yoke?
Just what the fuck is this, some kind of joke?
In later years, the masses would agree
NOSTALGIA's going to mine that man, you'll see.

For now, be unconcerned with the front cart.
It's what's inside that is a work of art.
Our toaster accepts what we put inside.
Hit power, and get ready for a ride.

No level 1 behind the title screen,
Instead is something never before seen
A stage select of levels for your choice?
A bold decision from a genius voice!

We've got a robot with a scissor head,
Then flames, and sparks? These beasts fill me with dread.
A mohawk man? A parka-wearing stooge?
What's a Guts Man? Just how am I to choose?

The six robots that you must now select,
an Ouroboros in a circle set
A freedom of choice never seen before!
To victory! Or pain forevermore!

Now here is where our histories collide.
I know the optimal path I must stride.
We'll start with Bombman's demolition hell
For he is the first dread beast I must fell.

We teleport into a deadly place,
Where metal orbs loom over our small face
The bubbly chiptune that makes us a fan?
Composed by non-existant Yuukichan.

As we begin, control we must review
Sweet Valya's petal breath remindeth you
We run, we jump with A, and then press B
To fire pellet shots, no more than three

The realm of Bombman that we have thus picked
Is filled with deadly creatures that are dicks.
Exploding shrapnel bombs from deep below,
And turrets that can shoot through walls, oh no!

Cruise missiles with a scary, angry face
Are flying at us from, like, every place!
And Sniper Joe is here, with his shield raised
His expert defense skills just must be praised.

A shutter door awaits eventually
We enter with a sort of nervous glee
We go down and await with bated breath
The Bombman fight, our duel to the death.

His leaps and jumps are bounds above our own,
His bomb's blast radius a deadly cone.
With steeled resolve we fire back, the brave
This Bombman shall not send us to our grave!

At long last, we deploy the final hit
And Bombman's clearly had enough of it
His essence dissipates across the room
We grab a thing, and hear the victory tune.

Now on to Gutsman, bulkier in frame
We enter uneven rocky terrain
A shielded Metool's all that guards the start
But what comes next sends fear into one's heart.

A hellish pulsing noise rings through our ears
A green platform? It now confirms our fears.
We ride across, and don't notice the gap
The platform dips, and then we fall. Oh, crap!

An infamous hard part, unlike before
Poor Mega Man will meet his Trenzalore.
As Peko the Destructor reaps his soul,
We try again, for we must reach the goal!

Eventually, a pattern will be learned
With perfect jumps, survival can be earned
And Peko's endless reapings now must bide
For we have made it to the other side!

Once there, we don't find much else to impede
Our travels through this level will succeed
A stamping monster tries to make us paste,
But we get by with clever smarts and haste!

Now Gutsman is a foe that we must beat,
But blasting this iron tank is no mean feat
We may have higher speed and much more pep,
But Gutsman shakes the ground with every step

Huge boulders rain down from the sky above,
And Gutsman lifts them with a power glove
He hurls the things directly at our head
We've got to win, or else we will be dead!

Old Mega, he's got one more special skill.
He gains the weapon from a boss's kill.
Now Bombman's essence fills us like a well.
Hey, Gutsman! Time to send you back to hell!

Three blasts is all that poor Gutsman can take
His battered frame now quivers with the shakes.
The explosion rings out, and now we're free!
Now take his glove and go to robot three.

Next, Cutman; see how his head scissors snap
We venture down into his deadly trap
A garish color palette awaits you
A mix of greens and browns and sky of blue.

By now you're getting quite good at this thing.
Your control mastery makes Valya sing
Through floating Suzy's relentless attack
You press onward and never once look back.

Before we know it, we've hit Cutman's lair.
The shearing robot bellows WHO GOES THERE?
He leaps and jumps and throws his headgear blade
By now, you're good, you skillfully evade!

To counter him, you slip on Gutsman's glove
Those two-ton blocks, now lighter than a dove
You hurl the chunks straight into Cutman's face
With two, he's done, and totally erased.

Elecman's stage is number four, let's see
This stage tune reminds me of "Faithfully".
A vertical climb up to dizzying heights
But first, these spiny bastards in our sights.

Too low to hit with simple pellet blasts,
They only freeze, and that just doesn't last.
With Cutman's blades, we cut them down to size.
Continue upward, climbing to the prize!

Up ladders goes our Mega Man's ascent,
Of course, the game won't easily be bent.
Electric robots, coming from above
Their voltage blasts are not a kiss of love.

Eventually, these robots are outdone.
Now at the top, we get to have some fun.
A platform that is much too high to reach
But then we hear a piercing 8-bit screech

An obstacle of infamy is due,
These Schrodinger blocks, here yet not here too.
With 8-bit bloops, they vanish into haze
Their sequence creating a platform maze.

With observation and keen intellect,
the pattern and your neurons intersect.
The skillful jumps lead higher to the top,
Where Elecman's high voltage sparks and pops.

Something of import lies along the way,
It's nestled in a corner far away
With Gutsman's glove we break apart the seams,
and collect this important Magnet Beam.

As current pours out from the very walls,
One must climb carefully, lest should they fall.
Eventually the summit's peak is reached,
Elecman's lair, a sanctuary breached.

With Cutman's shears, the battle will be quick.
Three slices and Elecman's spark is nicked.
Though do beware of that Elec Beam, too.
Three hits of that's enough to destroy you.

A quick fight done, you two evenly matched.
With Elec down, his Beam you now will catch.
Four masters down, well isn't that just nice?
Now travel to a land of snow and ice.

The winter chill is like a sudden death,
As icy winds blow savage frigid breath.
The frozen palm trees offering no shade
Your every step, a slippery escapade.

Through savage cold, you press onward to win
Even through ice-cold water you must swim
Now downward through this freezing winter crap
To once again find a familiar trap.

The Schrodinger blocks, blocking our ascent
Their pattern in our brain must leave a dent.
With Magnet Beam one can just skip this part,
How quickly upward does Mega Man dart.

And now the very platforms have a face,
They shoot regardless of height, sex or race
Atop these angry platforms we must ride,
But there's a catch before you start to glide.

The laws of physics sure can be a bitch,
and these platforms possess a deadly glitch.
The shots from them can send you falling through
You plummet down to Peko, oh so screwed.

But with the Magnet Beam, you need not fear!
You need not ride the platforms with the leer!
Just make a bridge and say no to that crap,
And walk across, avoiding Peko's gap!

And soon enough, we face the eskimo
His icy blasts will fill the air, oh no!
With Elec Beam's big blast, he's down in three.
Guess ice is weak to electricity.

The final robot master of the set,
A blazing hell quite unlike any yet.
Through Fireman's boiling hot magma cave,
We strive to put him in his robot grave.

The flames are licking at our very heels,
But Mega Man's a robot without feels.
With five great master weapons in his bod,
He is, himself, a tiny Valyan god.

Through the fire and flames, we carry on
Until the level behind us is gone.
Now Fireman is standing straight ahead,
With our Ice Slasher, we shall make him dead.

Relentless blasts of blazing flame meet ice,
A freezing inferno, isn't that nice?
Do not stop firing 'till the battle's won
And in one shot, the six robots are done.

You've done it! You've won the entire set!
However, the quest isn't over yet!
The creator emerges from his cage
His eyebrows furrowed in a madman's rage.

Now Dr. Wily is challenging you
To find his fortress and come pay your dues.
His capsule makes a piercing shrillish screech
His dread lair's just moments from being breached.

The stamping fools are guarding the outside
But Iceman's slasher will freeze them mid-stride
With hefty use of Gutsman's power glove
You bust on through and start to climb above.

Past deadly spikes and angry missiles, too
The glitchy platforms reappearing, ooh.
With Magnet Beam we get on by once more
A final obstacle to now explore.

A vertical shaft I can't climb? What's up?
Now use your Magnet Beam, you silly pup.
And if you skipped the thing by sheer unluck?
There's no advance, my darling. You're just fucked.

An unfortunate bit of game design
A rare blemish that seems rather benign
Just disregard it now, and don't look back
We now enter a room of starkish black.

The music changes to a frantic beat
THERE'S SOMETHING COMING, QUICKLY, MOVE YOUR FEET!
A yellow orb comes screaming from the left
And more are coming; this beast has some heft!

With skillful leaps and bounds, Mega evades
This creature's got big yellow orbs in spades!
Eventually the beast begins to form
And what we see is light years from the norm.

A giant yellow devil in our way
A garish golem made of sentient clay
It opens one bright red cycloptean eye,
And fires a single shot from the sky.

With that job done, the beast does separate
Its sentient blobs each larger than a crate.
A realization, as we jump and turn.
This shit is just a pattern to be learned!

One two, three four, five six seven and eight
The number of blocks that hold the most weight.
They zip towards us, lower to the ground
A jump evades, and keeps us safe and sound.

With the last jump, we get the Elec Beam.
This devil's not the dread beast that he seemed!
The eye appears, and now it fires back
We dodge and launch our own counterattack!

As lightning hits the eyeball with a pop,
Time itself seems to grind down to a stop
The current crackles as it hits the eye
What in the world is happening? Oh my!

Time starts again for just a single bit,
The eyeball taking yet another hit
Then all is frozen once again in place
Is this some portion of dear Valya's grace?

With time itself a flickering light switch,
It's curtains for that dread son of a bitch.
It dissipates, and time restarts anew.
The fuck was that? On to... Wily Stage 2?

We find ourselves on platforms way up high,
With swooping things that seem to fill the sky
With careful plotting to our jumps, we go
And run into what was a fallen foe.

Now Cut Man's back, his scissors block our path
There's no Guts blocks to counter Cutty's wrath.
It's one on one, a simple buster duel.
We've come this far; that Cut Man's such a fool.

With Cut Man well and truly cut to size,
It's more platforms and jumping for the wise.
With deft dodging of turreted assaults,
We once again find progress at a halt.

Elec Man's voltage crackles in our face.
There is no fear. This foe must be erased.
With cutting shears, three hits is all takes.
We're getting good at fighting, aren't we, mates?

So down and down through Wily 2 we go.
We're confident we can take any foe
Then realization hits us like a bus
The boss of Wily level 2 is... us.

It's Mega vs Mega in a clash
Our powers turned against us in a flash!
Now, Wily's clever plot I must applaud
But let's be real. We're taking out this fraud.

The battlefield becomes a scorching haze
Our Fire Storms create a firey blaze
The other Mega can't avoid the heat,
And within moments this fake fraud is beat.

We're on stage 3 now, way deeper inside
The heart of things, where Wily does reside.
And further yet we must make our descent
Against foes that will never unrelent.

A torrent rushes out from our rear flank
Of water foul, and grimy, slimy, dank
No turning back now, Mega. Time to move.
A third foe waits to kill you in its grooves.

A bubble bot that floats around the room
And its approach shall spell impending doom.
Our trigger finger, fastest in the east
But look out now, the bubble's speed's increased!

The key lies in those hefty little blocks
But impatience's just a quality for cocks.
Blast out a few bubbles before you heft
And easily, these bubbles will relent.

The final stage, and god this place is grim.
It's Wily's inner sanctum, grey and dim.
We run and jump and ride a Gutsman trap
And teleport away with but a snap.

The gauntlet of revenge has now arrived.
Four robot masters in a row? We'll die!
Now face them down with everything you've learned.
And show them how your competence was earned.

Bombman's bombs are set alight with flame.
Fireman's snuffed out with ice. What shame.
Iceman blows with 50,000 volts.
And Hyper Bomb turns Gutsman into bolts.

You've faced four bosses in a row to live.
For Wily, an ass kicking's what you'll give.
A mythic force that shall never relent.
Now go tell Wily how he can get bent.

His hover tank fades in onto the screen.
A dread beast unlike any ever seen.
But now you've surpassed all those other duds.
And Peko the Destructor cries for blood.

Fulfill your role as her new avatar.
Incinerate this machine from afar.
The front explodes, a burnt and charred rust heap.
And Wily utters but one muffled "eep".

He shan't give up, and fires power blasts.
They swivel and fly incredibly fast.
We're not afraid, we've got our cutting shears.
Once and for all, let's slice away our fears.

With sparking wires and shattered metal plates
Old wily's one hit from defeat. How great.
His lofty dreams of his global conquest
Are crumbled now, because we were the best.

He flies out of the wrecked ship, on his knees
And begs for mercy. GOD NO, MEGA, PLEASE!
Though Peko begs us to cut off his head,
We're not her slave. He'll go to jail instead.

And so, with Wily safely behind bars.
Old Mega runs home while beneath the stars
Not Mega anymore, but plain old Rock.
He's homeward bound, and ready to make dock.

Roll welcomes him, and here is Doctor Light
Congratulations on a job done right.
This ends the tale of Mega Man, part one
But Valya's whispers tell us we're not done.

The future glimmers on the water's edge.
Dear Wily will come back for his revenge.
Though Peko will assist us five times more,
One day she'll reap our soul to Trenzalore.

A paragon of platforming design,
A quest oft called the greatest of all time.
Then next will be quite the tough egg to crack
A rather nostalgic fond look-see back.

And then we'll hit the year of '91
The Dance Apocalyptic will be done
The Soviet's last attack on our shores
A victory will be achieved, what for?

Stagnation and creativity will slide.
And Mega will be faced with a decline
Until, about a year before the end
His final adventure with all us friends.

Then Peko reaps and Mega is no more
Unless you count the "X" that came before
An evolution with a braver, modern face
But in our confines, a forbidden place.

This is what Valya sings of Mega Man
A triumph great, with millions of loyal fans
And then in Valya's twilight he will fall
But even so, he'll smile and have a ball.

Though Mega's future is thoroughly spied,
The legend he has born will never die.
His legacy will never, ever cease.
Fight, Mega Man! For everlasting peace!